Approaching Dawn
by signalfire263
Summary: My own little musings on what happened in the days following the birth of Renesmee. Will contain flash back chapters that will relate to the first three books but major spoliers are for BD. My very first Twilight fic so please be kind!
1. Juliet

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Ok, so this is my first attempt at writing Twilight. I've recently fallen in love with the books and of course the movie and so thought I'd give it a shot. This is not a one-shot, other chapters will follow. Please be nice and leave me a review, even if its to say that this is God awful and I should never even consider writing for Twilight again! :D (Although if you must do that, at least sugar coat it!)

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**There had been few times in his so called 'lifetime' that Edward Cullen had craved the more demure aspects of humanity, sleep being one of them. **

**But at this moment in time as he stared out across the woodland, his sharpened eyesight picking up on every animal clambering about the trees, every leaf as it swayed gently in the cool night air, he wished…no, he **_**prayed **_**for sleep. **

**As if answering his prayers for distraction, the infant in his arms gurgled and fidgeted, her legs which though still tiny had grown a considerable amount since her birth mere hours ago, kicking wildly at his arms. **

"**Soon," he murmured to her, his voice calming her instantly. "Soon, Renesmee."**

**His daughter smiled up at him, the full set of teeth she possessed still hard for him to stomach; it only proved just how much of his being was in her. His daughter craved blood, just as he did. **

**Just as her mother would. **

**Shuddering at the thought, Edward turned gracefully and moved to go upstairs. **

"**Not the best idea you've ever had," Alice's voice halted his steps and he sighed. **

"**How bad will it be?" he whispered to her. **

_**You can't take Renesmee, **_**Alice thought, her 'voice' echoing through his mind. **_**It's too much, too soon. Bella isn't…she's not quite Bella yet. We don't know how she'll react. **_

"**I'll go on my own," Edward nodded, not in the least bit surprised when Rosalie appeared at his side, her arms already outstretched to take Renesmee from him. **

**Brushing a soft kiss against his daughter's forehead, Edward handed her to his sister and closed his eyes as Rosalie began to sing to her. **

**Renesmee liked it, she was letting him know. Letting him know that it was ok to leave her for a few moments, she had Rose and Alice…even Jacob. **

**It was Bella who needed him now. **

**Edward climbed the stairs with the faintest hint of reluctance, his pace much slower than it should have been. Half way up, he stopped completely upon sensing Carlisle and gripped the railing so hard, he briefly feared it might snap. **

"**Is she…" Edward trailed off. **

"**We knew this was how it would be, Edward," Carlisle placed a comforting hand on his sons arm. "Just…focus on the outcome."**

**The outcome; Edward very nearly laughed. He had been forced to take away the life of the woman he loved so that she could bear his child, the very same thing that had caused her to be in this situation in the first place. **

**True, Edward was happier than he could ever recall being; he had a wife, a daughter. Everything that he was sure he never deserved; everything he was sure was far beyond his reach. **

**But in doing so he had stolen a daughter from Charlie and Renee, a friend from Angela, Jessica…even Mike. And he didn't even want to think about what he had taken from Jacob. **

"**Is she…" Edward began again but soon shook his head, growing frustrated at his inability to even form a sentence. **

"**Emmett assisted me in…controlling her," Carlisle cast a glance up the stairs where his other son was strolling down as though he had not a care in the world. **

"**Damn, new little sis sure is strong," Emmett chuckled. "That's the fourth set of straps she's broken today,"**

**Edward glared at his brother dangerously, though the taller, broader Cullen seemed oblivious to it as he made his way over to Rose and Renesmee, grinning when the infant reached out and grabbed his finger. **

**Edward gently squeezed Carlisle's hand which was still resting on his shoulder before stepping around him and heading up the stairs. **

"**Careful little brother," Emmett called, the smug grin evident in his voice. **

'_**She's a biter,' **_**he communicated silently to Edward. **_**Of course I'm sure you already knew that…**_

**Edward growled, wheeling back around and narrowing his eyes at the taller man, the liquid topaz quickly solidifying and turning to cold, black rock. **

"**Emmett," Alice warned though it was hard not to notice the slight tinge of amusement in her voice. "I have better things to do with my day than clean your blood out of my clothes, so play nice,"**

**Emmett stared around at his family with a seemingly innocent look on his face, one which soon dissolved into laughter when Esme tutted and shook her head. **

**Not having it in him to join in their laughter, Edward took the remaining stairs at his usual speed, stopping only when he was faced with the door to his bedroom. **

**For a moment there was nothing but silence, the breeze brushing against the glass walls creating their own lullaby as he stared at the half open door with almost maniacal attention. **

**Then it started: at first it was just the banging, the clattering of metal against wood followed swiftly by a sound which he had never heard before, a sound which caused his entire body to ache. Without realising it, Edward reached up and covered his ears with his hands, determined to block out the noise. **

**Bella was screaming, but it sounded more tortured, more agonized than anything he could remember. **

**The clattering got louder, the screaming dissolving into frustrated sobs until finally they quietened down completely, the hallway once more returning to its usual state of silence. **

"**She knows you're out here," Jasper murmured from behind him. "Despite her pain, her senses are sharper than you might think."**

**Knowing that that was Jasper's way of warning him, Edward turned and smiled albeit briefly. **

"**She's still Bella," he shrugged. "My Bella,"**

**Knowing better than any of the Cullen family the pain that came with being newborn, Jasper fought the urge to argue with him. He knew he would be the same if it were Alice lying in there…she would still be the woman he had fallen in love with, no matter what was happening to her. **

"**Did I make a mistake, Jasper?" Edward stared at his brother, his eyes so full of pain and torture that it seemed almost akin to that of the suffering girl behind the door. **

"**Do you love her, Edward?" Jasper asked with a grin. **

"**Yes," the answer came without pause. **

"**And will that ever change?" **

"**No," Edward shook his head firmly. "Never,"**

"**Then I think you just answered your own question," the blonde reached around him and pushed the door open further. "That's always been your problem, brother," he smirked. "You worry too much,"**

"**You sound like Bella," Edward rolled his eyes. **

"**She's a smart girl," Jasper concluded. **

**Smiling a real smile this time, Edward nodded and stepped into the room, not surprised when Jasper had disappeared from sight by the time he turned to shut the door behind him. **

**The room was cool and growing lighter by the second. Dawn was approaching which meant Bella should only have to remain in this state for another day and a half. Time was passing slower than Edward could ever remember and even the joy of having Renesmee was not quite enough to diminish the dark cloud that was Bella's mortality lingering above him. **

**His eyes settled on the bed placed strategically away from the windows and mirrors should Bella break free and harm herself by breaking the glass. A shuddering breath echoed through the room and he stopped, his eyes narrowing as he questioned his own sanity. **

"**Edward," the whisper came again, clearer this time. **

"**Bella," he breathed, rushing to the side of the bed with no real thought for his own safety. **

**Looking her over, his stomach churned somewhat; the marks he had left on her skin had yet to fully heal, her body was bruised and pale, the dried blood caking her skin and under her fingernails making her look demonic. **

"**Bella," he choked out brokenly.**

**Reaching for her hand, Edward pulled back when the air in the room seemed to change and she screamed, trying to propel herself forward, teeth snapping as she snarled. Pinned back against the wall by an invisible force, Edward looked at the girl on the bed as she writhed in pain before screaming again, her eyes never closing. **

**Against his will, Edward pictured the girl he had first laid eyes on in the cafeteria, her dark brown hair falling about her face in a protective curtain as she eyed him warily yet with curiosity. Her eyes so bright and alive, her skin warm looking and flushed. **

"**What did I do?" Edward whispered to himself as Bella lunged unsuccessfully once again, tugging noisily at the straps on her wrists. **

**Then something seemed to change, the red in her eyes dimmed the tinniest bit and she blinked, staring at him with a mixture of confusion and fear. **

"**Edward," she cried, her face falling. "Make it stop...please…make it…"**

**She screamed again and this time, Edward did not hesitate in rushing to her side. **

**Bella panted roughly, her eyes wild as they searched for something unseen, her hand reaching out and gently brushing his. The reaction forced some of the red back into her eyes and though it killed him to do it, Edward pulled back slightly. **

"**I'm here, love," he offered, knowing that that was the best he could do. "It'll be over soon, I promise. It takes a few days and then…"**

"**How long?" she panted, writhing again. **

"**Just another day and a half," he soothed her. "The pain will lessen soon, everything will become…almost numb. Your body will once again take control of itself as the poison slows…"**

**He trailed off, looking down at the girl he loved and feeling sick knowing that he was the one who had done this to her. **

"**I'm so sorry, my love," he whispered. **

"**No," Bella shook her head fiercely. "Tell me…Renesmee…"**

"**She's happy," Edward smiled, gently brushing a strand of hair from her face. "She's waiting for you…so am I,"**

**Bella stared up at him, her breathing slowing down for a short moment. **

"**I'm waiting, too," she replied weakly. "Soon…"**

**The pain wracked through her body and she shuddered, clinging to the bed sheets and keening out in agony. **

"**You shouldn't have to do this," Edward spat angrily, the first raw emotion he had shown since entering the room. **

"**Juliet died for Romeo," Bella replied softly. **

"**You know my thoughts on Romeo," Edward chuckled, hoping to ease her pain if only for a moment. **

"**Without him…Juliet might still have died…" Bella gasped, feeling something similar to tears leaking out the side of her eyes. "But…she never….never would have lived."**

**The words struck Edward as being deeply profound for a girl who was in the midst of pain unlike anything known to man, but then this was Bella. As his family had reminded him on numerous occasions, he was not to underestimate her. **

**Before he could respond however, another scream filled the room and suddenly he felt himself being yanked backward, falling ungracefully to the floor, he watched enraged as Jasper closed the bedroom door. **

**Turning to glance at his attacker, Edward set his cold eyes on his sister and snarled. **

"**What are you doing?" he hissed. **

"**She's not Bella," Alice shook her head. "Not yet, anyway. For God sake Edward, you have to remember that! Another second and she would have lost it again,"**

**As if on queue the sound of breaking metal filled the hallway and a deafening scream followed by the cracking of wood broke out. **

"**Emmett!" Jasper called. **

"**I'm on it," the larger man called, stepping around them and moving to open the door, a snarl ripping from his lips as he quickly grabbed the newborn, lifting her back onto the bed as she fought violently in his arms. **

**Edward watched through the small gap in the door and felt ill, repressing a scream of his own. Instead he stood up and slammed his fist down on the stair banister, the crack of the glass echoing through the house. Downstairs fell silent with the exception of a strangled cry from Renesmee as she picked up on her father's anguish. And outside in the rapidly receding darkness, Jacob howled, a sound that echoed the fury Edward felt inside as he wondered briefly whether he truly had lost Bella forever. **

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ok, so there it is, the first chapter of my VERY first Twilight fic. Now would be such a lovely time for you to leave me a review! Thank you for reading!


	2. Fading

_This chapter is told from Bella's point of view, I don't usually like using first person but I couldn't think of another way of doing this. I know the opening chapter was a bit non-eventful so hopefully this will make up for it. _

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_**"Do not go gentle into that good night…" - Dylan Thomas**_

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**I woke in a haze, the faint light coming in from the window letting me know that I had survived another night at least. **

**Glancing down at my skin I noted with disdain that I still didn't sparkle the way Edward did, though the dried blood caked on my arms was doing its best to point out just how pale I was now. My skin, which had never been anything short of pasty now looked like snow. Fresh, porcelain and pure as it pulled tight across my rapidly healing bones. **

**The pain was not as bad today as it had been before. **

**The burning sensation had been excruciating, sometimes I had leapt from the bed purely to try and fight off the invisible flames I felt were licking their way up my body. Sighing, I tried to turn onto my side but was prevented from doing so by what looked like a piece of leather pulled over my stomach. **

**Suddenly it all came back to me: Emmett doing his best to pin me down, cursing loudly when I bit at him, Carlisle whispering soothing words to me as Esme stared horrified as I screamed wordlessly at the top of my lungs. **

**Edward…**

**I gasped; Oh God, I had tried to hurt Edward. I had not understood my actions even at the time, but he had been sat there, so beautiful, so perfect and suddenly it was as though a switch had been flipped inside of me. Something primal had kicked in and I had tried to fight it but the rest was a blur. **

"**How's the patient?" **

**Carlisle's voice crept through the room, enveloping me in its sweetness. I tried to turn towards him but was reminded once again why I was unable to. **

"**Emmett," I croaked out. **

"**He's fine," Carlisle smiled and because of that I believed him. "You know my son, if anything his pride is wounded at being beaten by his little sister,"**

**I wanted to laugh, I wanted to smile. But I couldn't; there was something physically preventing me from expressing any emotion, almost as though I was dead inside. **

**At that, a startled laugh did erupt from my mouth, obviously catching Carlisle off guard too as he dropped the box of gauze he was holding. **

**Vampires I had learnt were far from clumsy creatures, even on a bad day they commanded more grace and finesse than any human could ever hope for. So seeing them drop something or trip over was truly worrying. **

**But then I realised why my father in law would panic at the sound of a sharp noise from me; I was a newborn. Stronger than Emmett, faster than Edward and more powerful than any member of the Cullen family. I was what they feared most. **

"**Renesmee…" I rasped, growing frustrated that I couldn't get my voice to work properly. I felt as though I had swallowed cotton wool, like the air was caught in my throat and making it impossible for my voice to make its way out. **

"**Is looking more like you every day," Carlisle beamed proudly. "Edward is besotted with her; I don't think I've seen him leave her side even for a moment."**

**The image in my head pleased me, my husband and my daughter: just as it should be. The only thing that bothered me was why wasn't I in this picture? **

"**How is the pain?" he asked gently. **

"**Better," I wheezed. "I can't feel anything,"**

"**That means the poison is almost finished making its way through your system," he said more to himself than to me. "Once that's over…"**

_**Once that's over I'll be an unstoppable, irrepressible killing machine, **_**I finished for him in my head. **

**As though reading my mind, Carlisle smiled at me. **

"**Don't worry, little Bella," he shook his head. "We're more than prepared for anything that comes our way…we went through this with the rest of the kids, especially Jasper…"**

**The same Jasper who had freaked out over the droplet of blood drawn from a paper cut last year? That was hardly the reassurance I had been looking for. **

"**You're more…alert than any of us were during the transition," he murmured glancing at the bruised on my skin. "Rosalie screamed three days straight, Edward was catatonic, Emmett fought non stop but you…" he shook his head. "I don't know what to make of you, Bella."**

**I flexed my body, arching up into the restraints and I saw an immediate recognition in his eyes. **

"**I can't, Bella," Carlisle sighed, answering my silent plea. "If I had some kind of guarantee you wouldn't…it's a risk we can't afford to take. Not only for Renesmee's sake but for Charlie's…"**

"**Charlie…" I all but hissed. **

"**He's not here," Carlisle amended quickly. "But Edward is, so is Jacob…"**

**I wondered briefly what my reaction to Jacob would be; would I react as violently as Edward did with the wolves? Perhaps if I was so different then…**

**I let my thoughts dissolve into nothing, instead closing my eyes as a new, fresh wave of pain washed through me. This was different though, not as intense, not as sharp. I gritted my teeth none the less and kicked the mattress hard enough to shift the bed a couple of inches to the left. **

"**Not long now, Bella…" Carlisle ran a hand through my hair and for a moment it almost seemed like it was my own father standing above me. **

**Closing my eyes, I thought of Charlie sat at home on his own, wondering what had become of me, worrying, debating whether or not to call Renee…**

"**I did this," I whispered to myself through gritted teeth. "This is my choice,"**

**Carlisle stiffened next to me obviously having heard my words and his hand stalled in my hair. **

"**Bella?" he quieried. **

"**Edward…" I breathed. "Tell Edward…"**

**I never got to finish the sentence; instead another blast of pain shot up through my bones but this time I very much felt the sharpness of it. My spine twisted and arched at an impossible angle as I screamed loud enough to hurt my own ears. **

_**This is my choice, **_**I chanted over and over in my head, trying to breathe through the pain, **_**this is my choice. **_

**And it was with those soft words echoing around my head that I lost consciousness for the first time in two days. **

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_Ok, so I know its short and kinda crappy but the next chapter is a flashback to Eclipse so hopefully it'll be a bit more interesting given Bella won't be strapped to a bed the whole way through it! Thanks for reading xxx_


	3. All That Was

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Ok so this is my attempt at a flashback chapter. This is supposed to be Bella's final clear recollection of what happened when she was alive if you like. It's in between New Moon and Eclipse. It's once again from Bella's POV just in case you were wondering! Hope you like it.

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**One of the very few, if not the only downside of having Edward Cullen as your boyfriend was that it was practically impossible for the element of surprise to exist within our relationship. On my part anyway…but that was mostly to do with the fact that Alice Cullen's unnerving ability to see the future more often than not hampered my plans at doing anything remotely romantic or impulsive. **

**Hence the reason why Edward was waiting for me at the front door of his family's home when I pulled up, his smirking face appearing at my window before I even had cut the engine. **

"**Bella Swan," he raised an eyebrow, his tone playful. "It's past 10.30 on a school night,"**

"**So," I countered, raising my chin indignantly. "You're not the only one who can sneak out through my window, y'know,"**

**He smiled at me, the same crooked smile he had greeted me with that first day in biology and I melted willingly into his arms as he hoisted me effortlessly from the truck. **

"**I knew I'd lead you astray," he whispered, his breath hitting my face and making me forget my own name. **

"**Lead away," I whispered back, butterflies breaking out in my stomach when he laughed deeply before pressing me back gently against the truck. **

"**Silly lamb," he murmured the words I had said to him in our meadow all that time ago. **

"**Smart ass lion," I retorted, earning another laugh, though this one was slightly huskier. I loved when his voice did that, it lowered an octave, the roughness of it still lined with velvet as his eyes probed mine making me want things I knew I shouldn't. Things he had assured me on numerous occasions that I would never get. **

**Feeling momentarily brave in shedding my inhibitions, I pressed myself tighter to his hard, cold body catching the mild panic in his eyes before I slanted my mouth over his. **

**Edward groaned softly as my hands found their usual place in his hair, tugging at the copper strands, begging him to touch me back. He did, though not as much as I wanted him to; unlike mine, his hands were tame and controlled, staying on my hips partly to keep me away. **

**Gaining confidence I swept my tongue over his bottom lip and I felt him groan, knowing how badly he wanted to give in but knowing just as well that he wouldn't. **

_**He couldn't. **_

"**Bella," **

**It was somewhere between ecstasy and exasperation but he still didn't pull back from me, instead gripping my hips tighter to the point of pain. **

**The hiss I fought to conceal gave me away and he pulled back from me, a look of pure anguish on his face as his eyes drifted down from mine to rest on the swell of my hips where I didn't doubt that his finger prints would remain in bruises for a few days. **

"**Take me inside?" I whispered, placing a finger under his stony chin and lifting his gaze back to mine. "I'm cold,"**

"**You won't be any warmer in there with me," Edward muttered bitterly, licking my kiss from his lips as he took a step back. **

**The sight of his smooth, pink tongue did something to my body that I could have done without at that moment and now instead of acting blasé, I was bracing myself against the truck behind him, forcing back thoughts of that tongue doing wicked things. **

"**Well then you'll have to think of something to warm me up, won't you?" I raised an eyebrow, coming across more confident than I felt right then. **

**The fear running through me had nothing to do with Edward…not in that respect at least. All I could think about as I stared up into his golden eyes was how badly I wanted him to let go, to be as stupid as reckless as I was. **

**Edward smirked at me and not for the first time in our relationship I found myself questioning the whole notion of whether or not he could read my mind. **

"**Come on," he took my hand, bringing my fingers to his cool mouth and kissing them softly. "Esme's been watching us since the truck pulled up and Alice…"**

"**Isn't coming near me with anything resembling a dress," I finished for him, knowing the impish Cullen all to well. "Or shoes, or make up or anything else that can be classified as mild torture."**

"**I'll protect you," Edward promised, pulling me into his arms as he glided up the steps to the house with impossible speed. "I should warn you, she's been hunting so she's even more energetic than usual."**

**Before I could respond, the door swung open and I found myself staring at Edward's seemingly older brother, Emmett. Despite their physical differences, Edward had a good forty years on Emmett, a fact I was certain Edward never let him forget. **

"**Fee, Fi, Fo, Fum…" Emmett smirked, sniffing the air and wiggling his eyebrows at me. "Thought I could smell something funky,"**

**Glaring at him, I wiggled out of Edward's arms, straightening my shirt as my feet landed on the ground. **

"**Funny, Em," I gave him my best bring-it-on look. "Shouldn't you be out wrestling a bear somewhere?"**

"**And miss the nightly edition of the Swan-Cullen angst show?" the large, dark haired man gestured between Edward and I with a smug smirk on his face. "As if! You two are more entertaining than the Red Sox."**

"**Shut up, Emmett," Edward shoved him out of the way only to find himself in a head lock a moment later, the sound of playful growling filling the foyer and making me cringe. **

**The sound now only reminded me of my birthday last year, that one damned moment replaying over and over in my head as the wrapping paper tore though the skin of my finger, the droplet of blood oozing from it and…**

"**Bella!" **

**Alice's voice provided a welcome distraction from the dark place my mind was headed to. My dreams alone were haunted by memories of that day, sometimes changing so that Edward never got to Jasper in time, sometimes remaining the same except I watched it over and over from different angles, subsequently recalling the months that followed. **

"**Ooooh, don't do that," Alice shook her head, smiling sadly at me as she tapped a long, delicate digit against my forehead. **

"**Huh?" I frowned. **

"**If you keep thinking about that, you'll upset him," she glanced at Edward and rolled her eyes noting that he and Emmett were still wrestling on the floor. "He might not be able to read your mind, but out of everyone, you're the one he's most attuned to."**

"**I wasn't thinking about…" I shook my head, knowing that even though Alice couldn't read my mind any better than Edward could that she could read me just as well. **

**Damn the Cullens and their freaky abilities. **

"**Will Charlie know I'm here?" I asked her, silently asking her to do her thing. **

**She grinned at me, shaking her head and causing her effortlessly styled raven locks to dance around her face. **

"**You've got a good two hours before he goes for a stroll and realises you're missing," Alice ran her eyes over my outfit which I had chosen purposefully. The baggy sweat pants seemingly innocent until you looked close enough to see the tiny camisole I wore underneath my hooded sweater. It was the one piece of clothing that Alice had given me that I had actually liked, despite never having worn it before.**

**I had wanted to, especially on the nights when a certain vampire came crawling through my window…but I'd not been brave enough. **

"**Emmett," Alice shouted suddenly, her musical voice vibrating off of the walls as she kept her eyes locked on mine, the twinkle in them unmistakable. "Help me with my car, will you?"**

**The man in question stopped behind me with Edward half over his shoulder, his shirt slightly torn from Edward's own not-so-gentle assault. **

"**Your car?" he raised an eyebrow. "The Porsche? You're going to let my touch Bumble Bee?"**

"**The things I do for love," Alice mumbled, looking directly at me again. "Yep, I need to uh…the stereo needs work. Not enough base for Jaspers liking,"**

**With a grin that lit up the room, Emmet dropped Edward to the floor causing the building to momentarily quake as he rubbed his hands together.**

"**Right, let's do this," he raised an eyebrow as he glanced down at his brother. "Round two later, Eddie,"**

**Edward growled in response, jumping to his feet with infinite grace and smirking at me as his siblings made for the door, Emmett practically dragging Alice as he rambled on about base lines and cross wires. **

**It didn't escape my notice as he strode over to me that during his fight with Emmett, Edward's shirt buttons had somehow come undone and his marble chest peeked out from beneath, taunting me with its perfection. **

"**You ok?" he asked in a whisper as he came to stand before me. "Your heartbeat is going crazy,"**

**I nodded mutely, swallowing hard as his fingers took my own before drifting up my arm to cup my cheek. **

**Before I could utter another word I was back in his arms, the ground disappearing from under me as he sped upstairs, into his room which I gleefully noticed still contained our bed. **

**Our bed that was only ever used to sleep on. **

**The thought pulled my lips into a pout and I knew that had I been standing, I'd be stomping my foot and folding my arms by now. **

"**I can't stay…" I told him sadly. "I've only got…"**

"**An hour," he finished for me, smirking at the confused look I gave him as he tapped his forehead, letting me know that he had been listening in on my conversation with Alice. **

**I gulped suddenly aware of the fact that Alice had noted my camisole and lied to Emmett so that Edward and I could make our escape…**

"**It's not fair that you can do that, y'know," I told him with just the hint of a smile in my voice. "It's a violation of privacy,"**

"**I wasn't reading your mind," he reminded me, leaning down to brush his nose along my jaw as he set me down on the comforter. "Ironic isn't it? You're always in my head but I can't get into yours," he pursed his lips. **

"**So you just go into Alice's instead," I shot back at him. "And spy on me that way,"**

"**It's frustrating," Edward admitted soberly, lying down on the bed and pulling me on top of him. "Not knowing what's going on in there," he kissed the top of my head. **

"**Pffft," I snorted into his chest. "Don't talk to me about frustration."**

**I actually felt him smirking into my hair and frowned, not liking the fact he found my…predicament in any way amusing. **

**I focused instead on the hard lines of his chest, the alabaster surface seeming almost reflective in the moonlight as I lay my head against where his heart should be beating, revelling in the coolness. **

"**I wish I could make this simple for us," he breathed a moment later, almost making me jump in his arms. "For you…I wish that we didn't have to fight for this, it shouldn't be a struggle, Bella."**

**A thousand and one retorts ran through my mind; I wanted to shout at him that it **_**was**_** simple, that all he had to do was trust himself to the degree that I trusted him and we'd be ok. **

**I settled for simply pushing myself up onto my elbows and pressing my lips to his, surprised when he deepened it instantly, cupping the back of my head and pulling me closer. Reaching between us, I tugged the zipper of my sweater and gasped as cold hands ripped it from me and tossed it to the ground. **

**The growl coming from Edward's chest wasn't one that I had heard before, his eyes blackening like a stormy sky as they drifted down my body, taking in the dark blue lace and silk. I gulped nervously, afraid for a moment that I had pushed him too far, that I had overstepped a line for which he would never forgive me. **

**We had made a deal after all and here I was being a petulant child, desperate to have my cake and eat it. **

**It was the feel of Edward's lips against my collar bone that shook me from my thoughts, my heart pounding as he traced the hollow of it with his tongue. **

"**Oh…G-God," I stuttered, closing my eyes and willing myself not to speak anymore, knowing that my voice would break through his consciousness and stop him as it always did. **

**Surprisingly, he merely flipped us over so that he was above me, the slightest hint of his weight bearing down on me and making me want so much more than I knew he was willing to give. **

**Without even thinking, I pushed his shirt off of his shoulders and ran my hands down his naked back as he kissed down to the swell of my breast, pausing over my heartbeat and sucking the skin there. **

"**Uh…" I bit my lip as his body moved against mine in a way that it never had before, his hips brushing mine, doing things to me that I never thought possible. **

**One of his hands crept up my body, over my ribs to my breast, pausing a moment before I arched myself towards him, crying out when his cold hand surrounded the soft globe of flesh. **

**Suddenly, there was a crash, the floor seemed to move from beneath me and I was alone, his growl vibrating through the room as he paced the window, his hands in his dishevelled bronze locks. **

**I lay panting on the bed which was now at an impossible angle; I didn't need to turn my head to see that Edward had gripped the side of the iron frame so tightly that one of the legs had snapped off. **

**I had pushed him too far; I was being selfish again…I was…**

"**Edward…" I sat up slowly. **

"**I need a minute," he replied, his voice hoarse and distressed. "I almost…" he stopped pacing and slammed his fist hard against the wall, creating a dent in it that I knew Esme wouldn't appreciate. "Damnit!" he shouted. **

"**Hey," I shook my head, reaching for my fallen sweater only to see that Edward had in fact ripped it in two when he removed it from my body. Maybe he wasn't as in control as I had let myself believe. **

"**Its ok," I promised him, meaning it with every fibre in my body. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have…"**

"**Bella its not your fault," he laughed bitterly. "It's me…it's always me. I want so badly just to be able to…" he looked over at me and his eyes changed colour again, the amber turning darker and darker until I swear I heard him growl again. **

**Moving at impossible speeds, Edward suddenly appeared in front of me, his hand inches from my face, shaking slightly as he held a sweater of his. **

"**Please," he begged, his voice just above a whisper. **

**I knew what he was asking; I knew why it was too much for him. He wanted me just as much as I wanted him and me sitting here like this, my skin, my blood, my body taunting him, testing every virtue he had was just…wrong. **

"**Bella?" he asked, his voice more controlled. **

"**Yeah," I took the sweater from him and tugged it over my head, smiling faintly as his scent enveloped me. "I can go…if you want," I shrugged, hoping, **_**praying **_**that he would beg me to stay. **

**In an instant he was beside me on the bed, the distance between us closely measured, his eyes locking on mine. **

"**No," he whispered. "Please…I…Bella, I didn't meant to scare you,"**

"**Scare me?" I laughed. "Edward, the last thing you did was scare me…I just, I wanted…"**

**I bit my lip realising that going into this conversation again was simply another form of self torture, one that I couldn't handle right now; not with the memory of his hands on my body still so fresh in my mind. **

"**Graduation is only a few weeks away," I whispered more to myself than to him. "Things will be different then," I gulped and met his eyes. **_**"I'll **_**be different then,"**

**A slight shudder ripped through Edward's body and his expression once again became pained. I knew that part of him no matter how small was still praying that I'd somehow come to my senses and decide that Dartmouth would rank higher in my priorities than an eternity with him. **

**I smirked knowingly. He was so very, very wrong. **

"**I've got an hour left," I broke the silence and the barrier between us by grasping his hand. "I want to go to the meadow,"**

**Instantly, Edward's eyes brightened and I felt elated that it was me who had caused it. It took one smile for me to practically melt against him, suddenly wishing that I hadn't suggested it, that I had instead suggested we both brave it and pick up where we had left off. **

"**You won't be cold?" he asked, narrowing his eyes slightly at my tiny frame swamped in his sweater. **

"**I've got you," I told him.**

"**But I-…"**

**I pressed my finger to his lips, silencing his words of discouragement. **

"**I've got you," I repeated, my voice much more solid. "Come on, spider-monkey," I stood up and playfully tugged on a strand of his hair. **

"_**You're**_** the spider-monkey," Edward smirked, standing up and towering over me, leaning down so that his face was inches from mine. "I'd love to you see carry me up those trees,"**

"**Give me a few months," I grinned, not liking the way his smile faltered just slightly. **

**Was the thought of me being like him so unappealing? Maybe he was thinking in terms of our relationship being never ending…if I stayed human, eventually I'd die and he wouldn't have to worry about me anymore but if I were a vampire, I'd always be there…**

"**Idiot," I chastised myself out loud, shaking the thoughts out of my head. I knew how ridiculous that was…but there was only so much rejection a girl could take before she started looking at herself. **

**At my admission, Edward raised his eyebrows, letting out a short laugh. **

"**Not you," I amended quickly, tapping my temple. "Its just a little crowded in here at the moment…"**

"**Well," Edward gripped my hips gently and lifted me effortlessly so that I was above him. "Let's see if we can't distract you for a while,"**

_**Distract me! **_**My lust filled brain shouted at him, **_**right here on this bed…against the wall, I don't care just…distract me!**_

**Before I had even a second to think about voicing any of these thoughts, I found myself clinging to his back as he raced through the forest towards our little haven.**

**I buried my face in his hair and inhaled deeply, wanting more than anything for the next few months to pass quickly. Once he changed me everything would be different, **_**I **_**would be different. **

**I would be at peace. **

* * *

**Present day**

"**Bella! Stop!"**

**The shout coming from above me seemed to shake the very bed on which I was lying. The venom rushing through my veins was making it difficult to focus on anything, all I knew was that there was a scent in the room, something different to what I had smelled before.**

**And I wanted it. **_**Now. **_

"**Help her!"**

"**Don't give me orders, mutt," the voice boomed again. **

**Emmett, I realised with new found clarity. It was Emmett above me…the other voice, the voice that taunted me along with the scent…**

"**Jacob…" I breathed, opening my eyes and seeing nothing but colourless blurs. **

"**Bella?" his voice came closer and against my will, my teeth snapped, sinking into something cold and hard. An odd taste flooded my mouth, icy cold and metallic it tasted appealing yet wrong. **

"**Shit!" Emmett hissed, yanking his hand back from me. "Jacob, get the hell out of here before I throw you out!"**

**I could feel his hesitation but he left regardless, his footsteps fading softly along with the smell. I panted heavily, eyes scanning the ceiling for something to focus on. **

**Just then another wave of pain ripped through me and I screamed, the sound of it frightening me. It wasn't my voice, it was different…softer and yet shriller, tearing through the silence like a blade. **

**My teeth snapped again but Emmett moved quickly, his hands leaving my body for a second before he moved in again, shoving my down hard against the metal frame of the bed and holding me there. I could feel him shaking under the strain and knew that if I tried, if I really tried, I could win this. **

**I could throw him off of me, escape, run downstairs and…**

**And what? **

**I thought back to my reaction to Jacob just now, my reaction to Edward a few hours earlier. God knows what hell would break loose if I really were to escape. **

**A hand moved through my hair and I blinked, my eyes landing on Esme as she stood above me, a sad smile on her face, tears that she would never shed lurking behind her topaz eyes. **

"**Soon, Bella," she soothed. "It'll all be over soon."**

**I stopped fighting for a moment and listened only to her voice, ignoring the venom flooding through me, ignoring the agony sweeping across every plain of my body. **

**I believed her, in that one second there truly was light at the end of the tunnel. **

**Her hand left my hair, a broken sob echoing through the room. **

"**Emmett," Esme gasped. "Her eyes…"**

**And then it all went dark. **

* * *

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